Tuesday, March 04, 2008

five yesterday; one exhausted post for today

I was feeling a little puny yesterday and stayed home from work. Unable to just relax and do nothing, I took the opportunity to flesh out a few draft blog entries. Then for good measure, I whipped up a couple more posts.

I have got to fucking learn to pace myself. I've had a blogging hangover all day.

More hair of the dog, please
There is one more thing, of course. I hear people say this about their offspring way too often: "Oh, my son will probably run wild in here...he's all boy!" Or, "If Suzie sees a bug, she'll run away screaming...she's all girl!"

I'm starting a new fractional gender measuring system. It goes like this. Your five-year old son loves video games and climbing trees BUT also enjoys reading and pottery. So you say, "Oh, my son might run wild in here...he's 87% boy!" Your seven-year old daughter plays t-ball, hates wearing dresses but squeals with fear at the site of a spider. So you warn, "If Suzie sees a spider, she may run away...she's 63% girl!"

You see? Rate your children on their gender strength and you'll be able to stave off the frightening prospect of having a queer child. Remember, folks, I am living in the land of big hair and "get a rope." This pussy/dick division is serious business.


Menchuvian Candidate said...

I hope you are feeling better now.

Could you help a, I dunno, 94.3% woman out, and give some sort of table to aide accurate calculations?

The heir= snakes (+) snails (+) puppy dogs' tails (+) lizards (-) "Marilyn Monroe dressed as a Ballerina" (Halloween, grade 1; he designed the dress, I made it—oooh! does that make me a castrating Mommy?) (+) a self-described attraction to "girls with small, but obvious, breasts" (-) an ipod loaded with showtunes. . .

Oh, and at about 12 he questioned the meaning of "bisexual," saying "shouldn't it just be "sexual?" He's my boy, or, uh, at least 53.7% of him.

Dr. Ding said...


have i told you lately that i love you?

fecking brill, baby.

and that's from a 97% sissychick, 37.8% drag queen wannabe, 11% comfortable shoe-loving jackassed shrink.

Epiphenita said...

mc, the kid's a genius. and balanced.
[i'm working out a matrix for calculating genderness. in this mathematical respect, i rate very penish. my intrinsic love for shoes makes me more girlagina OR more drag queen. can't decide which i like better.]

dr. ding, you actually are 145.8% woman. you've proven it mathematically and accesorily.