I had a menopause party for myself last week. It was one of my all-time favorite parties.
There was an altar complete with hand-dipped candles (red, por supuesto) and one noble flaming tampon candle (Tampons are, in fact, all wick, so they burn like motherfuckers.)—all thanks to Justine, the traveling candlemaker. St. Dymphna and St. Barbara were prominently displayed (Patron Saint of Nervous Disorders and the Patron Saint of Ammunitions just go hand-in-hand) surrounded by fertility foods and other offerings. Flanking each side of the center candle were kotex pad boxes from the 80's that I, um, lifted from a company that hadn't updated their decor in 25 years either.
Lori mixed the music ("change" and "hot" themes were amply covered) and the drinks. She created a new drink in my honor: Enita's Estrogen Elixir. I was touched and drank many glasses to show my appreciation. Mary made marzipan uteri party favors that looked and tasted great. Eileen made me a menopause headdress that still sits on the gargoyle in the livingroom. Red feathers proud, pantiliner cap cradling its head and tampon fringe intact. Cyndi and Lola found congratulations cards that were oddly menopausal-appropriate...very impressive. So many of my favorite people in one room. Everyone ate, drank and made merry. Three of my male friends braved the double-x concentration and showed up. Those are real men, people. I was delighted, to say the least.We had red uterus/fallopian balloon "animals" scattered about, with small white balloon "ova," bobbing farewell to egg production. On the wall near the door was mounted a very old, steel Kotex dispenser. In use when pads cost a nickel and you didn't mind that they were mattress-like because you were so grateful that you didn't have to wear that awful belt anymore...yes, adhesive pads! Loaded into the working box were more party favors–each attendee had to insert a nickel, turn the lever and out popped their prize (a box containing their own tampon candle and chocolate eggs, of course).
I'm only sorry I didn't get to the vulva napkin-folding or have time to make signs of the endless, ridiculous puns in my head:
Welcome to Enita’s Uterine Retirement Fiesta!Welcome to Enita’s Early Menopause Celebration!Fertility Obituary:
Welcome to Sister Enita’s Blessed Infertility Carnival!
Welcome to Enita’s-I’m-Giving-Up-Eggs-for-Lent Mardi Gras!
Welcome to Enita’s “Farewell to Dot” Festival!
Hook ‘em Horns! (see invitation below)
Ova No Va
37 years of loyal service
Only 2 Occupants
More than 350 trial runs