Saturday, February 14, 2009

tweet status yawn

Today's topic: Twitter and Facebook Status Updates; Who Gives a Shit? may irritate some people. Well, then we're even.

Sure. There are worthwhile twitter and status entries amidst the update sludge being spewed out like factory offal into the ocean. Just like there are worthwhile comments following the news stories in the Chronicle. If you wade through a lot of floating three-eyed fish and old condoms you're sure to find a completely serviceable milk crate (just wash it off, it'll be fine!).

I admit it. It's easier to poke fun than to provide constructive criticism. But constructive criticism is for thesis advisors, pastors and therapists. Not for my meanderings. Okay, shit. I'll try and be more...constructive. Here are my suggestions for improving banal status posts:

Tedious status update
Improved status update
Boy, am I tired.
Boy, am I tired of embezzling.
Thank goodness it's Friday.
Thank goodness it's Friday, my BDSM dungeon is open late.
I'm eating some oatmeal.
I'm eating some oatmeal and found a boll weevil.
I hate my job.
I hate my job and I brought gasoline in my lunch bag.
I am so happy to be outside.
I am so happy to be outside buck naked.
I am walking the dog.
I am walking the dog and can't stop thinking about taxidermy.
I'm making an omelette.
I'm making an omelette for 350 people.
Life is wonderful.
Life is wonderful with two sets of genitalia.
I heart diet coke.
I heart diet coke enemas.
I've met a great guy!
I've met a great guy who gave me scabies!
We're on our way to visit family.
We're on our way to visit family and I'm high as a kite.
Just had a yummy tall, lowfat, extra shot Starbucks caramel macchiato.
I'm a marketer's wet dream.

Do you see where I'm going with this? Just a little more information and your status updates become snippets of joy. You don't have to thank me.

(Go on, you try it: leave me a comment about your improved one-liners.)


Anonymous said...

You need to join Twitter immediately and unleash your improved status updates on the world.

Most brilliant.

StevensVox said...

Never under any circumstance joke about someone giving someone scabies, it is almost as bad as joking about getting gonorrhea in your eye from a money shot.

Epiphenita said...

wow. now there's a sunday-morning-haven't-had-my-breakfast picture, my dear man.

you take care of that eye.

StevensVox said...

My hand to Jehovah, that was not me who got drippy eye! I can't say that about the other critters!! (Oh, great, now I am all itchy again!)

Anonymous said...

Very funny!

Epiphenita said...

Thank you, Vikki!

Fyi, I voted for you. Not because you commented. That just reminded me.

Anonymous said...

OMFG, I might just have to write a Firefox plugin to do this automagically.

Such bile is too precious to hoard!

Narya said...

Actually, I AM happy to be outside buck naked, when I can manage that, which isn't often enough. Or often at all. Plus it's about 20 F here today, with ridiculous wind chill, so, no.

I have, in fact, done a family dinner under the influence, although this would be about, oh, 34-35 years ago?

And I am sort of a marketer's wet dream, but only for VERY SPECIFIC PRODUCTS. Otherwise, I find marketing and marketers to be the spawn of satan. (Speaking of which, my word verification is flogamm.)