Sunday, February 01, 2009

superbowl bullets

  • All I ever needed to know about XLIII, I learned from crossword puzzles.
  • I resent that different sports teams use the same name. It's confusing as hell to those of us just trying to keep up. If Cardinals is taken, pick something else. Call me, I can help. You could be the Arizona Dry Heat or the St. Louis Archies but no, you took the boring route and used the same damn name.
  • My dad is working security at the Superbowl. He hates sports. Really. Never saw him sit down to a game in my life. My little mother, on the other hand, loves football and baseball. He couldn't get her tickets. How's that for proof that the Fates are capricious?
  • Did I mention my father was helping protect the Superbowl from the forces of evil? It's true. He is there right now, not watching the game, saving the American Way. Cue the anthem.
  • Football is a violent sport. It has strategy and some interesting things going for it but it's violent and typifies masculinity in a way that should offend most men.
  • Jesus has not. one. thing. to do with professional sports. Not blessing the quarterback, not sanctifying the ball. Because He doesn't exist. And if He did exist, my believing friends, the idea that He would pay one iota of attention to the idiocies of a sports game in the face of world issues such as genocide, starvation, epidemics, etc. should chill your Christian hearts. Chill them.

Not liking sports is just one of the many ways I fail as a queer woman. My love is a former athlete. She really likes baseball and football. I have learned the rudiments of these games so she can talk to me without seeing that jocktarded* look on my face. That is just one of the ways I have compensated for my shortcomings. That and sex.

Speaking of compensating. I took apart an old chain link fence at the rear of our property that borders the alley. For reasons too tedious to explain (my little gift to you), I am replacing a section of fence with a gate. While I ruined one clamp putting the thing back together, it was SO gratifying to figure it all out. I feel like I made a fence. Touchdown.

*I'm copyrighting this one. Ironically, it works to explain both the athletically-challenged and John Madden's expression.

No comments: