Tuesday, May 29, 2007

more miscellanea

Advertising Tomfoolery
There's a new Lamisil (athlete's foot treatment) commercial where the locker room socks all become hand puppets bemoaning the fungus they battle. I want to see a Vagisil commercial where the panty crotches in the dressing room all come to life to trade yeast infection war stories.

That Ol' Taiwanese Whale Tail
Okay, so MSNBC ran this story three or four years ago, but I've been re-reading a few of my books lately and in that sprit, I say some stories are worth a second telling:

Residents of Tainan learned a lesson in whale biology after the decomposing remains of a 60-ton sperm whale exploded on a busy street, showering nearby cars and shops with blood and organs and stopping traffic for hours.

The 56-foot-long whale had been on a truck headed for a necropsy by researchers, when gases from internal decay caused its entrails to explode in the southern city of Tainan.

Once moved to a nearby nature preserve, the male specimen -- the largest whale ever recorded in Taiwan -- drew the attention of locals because of its large penis, measured at some five feet, the Taipei Times reported. "More than 100 Tainan city residents, mostly men, have reportedly gone to see the corpse to 'experience' the size of its penis," the newspaper reported.
I am not saying that there isn't something ironic about men (whose average height is not much greater than the gawked-over phallus) gathering to view the ginormous pecker served up on a platter of exploded whale...sperm whale, at that. But irony is upstaged by the reporter's/translator's choice of words, "men...gone to 'experience' the size of its penis." That just provides the wrong visual.

Anna Nicole Smith Autopsy Report
And in the continued spirit of old news, I would be remiss in keeping my two cents on this one.

I am fascinated by autopsy reports. And, predictable as it is, this one's begging for commentary. I know, I know, I'm just like one of the millions of sensationalism crackheads in this country. But how can you resist an autopsy report with such a litany of tattoos, plastic surgeries and drugs in starring and supporting roles? All you would expect from the queen of shallow tackiness. So it was somewhat disappointing to read this rude little line:

"The anus is unremarkable."
I'm just saying the medical examiners could have been a little more sensitive. Maybe "The anus is real cute but not tattooed or nothin'." or "The anus appears normal but we're sure it's seen its share of action." Don't treat the anus like an autopsy afterthought. Have some respect for dead assholes.

Election Whipping Hijos du Jour
It's no surprise to all but the dullest-witted observers that campaigns usually rely on some cultural boogie-man to con the shit-scared masses into voting conservatively. So I'm here to announce that we, The Queers of America, are temporarily passing the torch to the Brown People currently being used to whip simple-minded Americans into a frightened frenzy. Paper covers Rock; Rock breaks Scissors; Scissors cut Paper; and Xenophobia trumps Homophobia this year.

But never fear, oh, reviled immigrants, this is a relay race and the baton will come back around to us. Except for all you gay wetbacks...you, mis amigos, are fucked.

Speaking of Queers
It's gay, gay, gay month, once again. There's a group here called POMPOM (say what you want but those queens are clever) for People Opposed to Moving the Parade Out of Montrose. I can't imagine what dunderbrain wants to strip the last bit of local color out of Montrose by moving the parade. Pretty soon Montrose is going to be the legitimate offspring of Rice Village and Bellaire instead of the riotous bastard child of Pasadena and River Oaks. What a shameful price to pay for middle-class respectability.

The only reason to move the Parade is to take it on the road: this year to Kingwood, next year to Orange, then,
The Woodlands, Vidor and maybe a few sashays through good ol' godfearing, Bush-dwelling Tanglewilde. Otherwise, leave it the fuck alone.

We'll be out there either marching or cheering from the sidelines. And checking out the sistahs and the drag queens and the fashion-plate guys and the baby dykes...oh, wait, they supposedly hate that expression. How about lesbianettes? Yeah, we'll be checking out the lesbianettes, too.

Monday, May 28, 2007

what was i supposed to remember again?

Happy Memorial Day, people...whatever that means to each of you.
Here's another happy
eavesdropping moment from Overheard in New York:

Jesus-freak: ...And let it be known that if you disobey the holy book and God's laws, you are eternally damned.
Queer: So, what happens to me if I'm gay?
Jesus-freak: You're going to Hell in a hand basket!
Queer: Well, that hand basket better be fucking Prada, bitch!

--42nd St station
I've been too fucking busy lately...but not too busy to reflect on passing of Jerry FallDowntoHellWell. The Rude Pundit and Christopher Hitchens have so beautifully captured my sentiments I don't want to say anything more so as not to muddy up the righteous waters of their holy writ.

In other news, the city of Houston makes their street cleaning crew wear robin's-egg-blue and buttercup-yellow (<--that's buttercup-yellow) uniforms. While I applaud them for taking a stance against army green or industrial khaki, I think they've swung a little too far out on that color wheel pendulum. Those litter-stick-wielding workers look like the disgruntled section of the Easter parade.

Wish I could share more but I've got domestic chores calling me. Their voices sound just like Patty and Selma Bouvier.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

malaprop delight

Grammatical sloppiness irritates me. Run spellcheck, proofread your word usage and make the extra effort to get your verbs to play nice with your nouns.

But sometimes the (mostly unconscious) slap-happy use of an expression completely enchants me (from foundmagazine.com):

"No holes barred" is a bastardization of "no holds barred" which refers to a sort of free-for-all approach to wrestling/boxing that has been adapted to any activity that is free from restriction.

In this form
(Oh, I do wish it was intentional!) it's sex trade offering tongue-in-cheek...Oh god, I kill myself. Okay, Okay. Find the malaprops/misusage in this:

As we close the physical year's books, we've scoured every crook and nanny for incontinencies and, for all intense purposes, last year's budget demonstrated the perineal financial health we have all come to except. No holes barred.

Language is endlessly delightful.