Happy Epiphany! I nearly didn't make it. Spent this day at St Luke's Hospital while St Barbara went through pre-op tests for an atrial ablation on Monday. It's too much to explain but it's a good procedure that will probably give her a permanent break from atrial fibrillation, no small bonus. Still, I'm struggling with my normal ability to cram all my fear into good data and historic success rates. I just hate that a doctor is going to snake up through her femoral artery, poke her heart and burn the fibrillating parts. I really hate that.
Friday, September 02, 2016
Saint to Whore
Silly postscript: Of course, the names of the cuckold and the cuckolder have been changed because this is thinly veiled enough.
Friday, April 22, 2016
It is a political season without precedent in my life. The drone of rhetoric and issues has become deafening the way sitting near the engine of the plane fills your ears. Politics is passion and passion is by definition volatile. Lots of people are feeling the fatigue from angry substantiated and unsubstantiated epithets hurled. It's too much today.
Work is not much of a relief. My inspirational and energetic leader of 2+ years is gone. Can't talk about why or how but it is painful. Inspiration and energy is in short supply. Candor and sincerity are even rarer. I depended too much on her enthusiasm and feel compelled to create it/find it/nurture it within me to give to the team. There's a black hole of escapism that keeps sucking it out. And there is understandable confusion/stress in the current leadership void.
Of course if tomorrow some real tragedy should strike, I would chide myself for puling over these small issues. That is me trying to get perspective. Well, I make myself climb out of this hole every day so I can help the people I work with because they are outstanding.
Over the past two years or so, there have been dramatic changes in the microcosm of my life.
- My father died.
- We queers won the right to marry. (I am marrying the love of my life here in Houston in six months, on our 30th anniversary.)
- Our daughter started renting our garage apartment. I will look back on this time in our relationship as one of our happiest times.
- Barbara got a long-overdue, well-deserved promotion.
- I became a creative director.
- Barbara was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation. It is under control with medication and exercise.
- Our city has morphed into an L.A.-style traffic snarl.
- Property taxes are out-of-control.
- I have been in a whirlwind of making.
- Finally finished a goddamned table after years of stalling. It's a beauty.
- I've been knitting.
- And baking.
And dreaming of the day that my life will consist of hopping from one project to another.
Monday, December 10, 2012
This season of football in a tv-less household has sent my love off to watch that enigmatic, crashing game at a dear friend's house. It is good on a deep, solid level to see her choose to enjoy herself and "leave me" behind because that has always been hard for her. I assure her I know she loves me no less...and that I need, need, need this time. It's so good for each of us.
After so many happy and companion-filled years I now have regular periods of solitude. I find that I am drawn to the same activities that delighted me as a young girl. (Except for the cooking, that's clearly an activity connected with adulthood for me.) I read. I listen to someone (okay, it's Garrison Keillor's craggy bass) read poetry to me. I do crossword puzzles. I write. I make things. I think about stuff. I make lists and plans.
But it is fleeting and it does not change a thing. Dickinson and Milton and Angier and Gaiman, crossword clues and project drawings. And silence. Such lovely, velvety silence.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
While the music grates on me a bit, I'm immensely proud of the final product both from a data standpoint and a graphic communication standpoint.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
I remain in a state of awe about how much I've learned and how much I don't know. My life feels like it's tipping into a maelstrom of activity and emotion...and yet, between the periods of anxiety there are moments of such wonder and bliss I hardly recognize myself.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
My father's bladder cancer is back. He stopped treatment 5 years ago because...well, because it was painful and he is not logical sometimes. He just didn't want to deal with it. Maybe it would have come back anyway had he completed treatment or maybe it wouldn't have but it seems that ignoring it did not do the trick.
He's depressed and in pain. He's self-medicating and not quite in the present all the time. We're flying into Tampa to visit him this week. Hurricane Isaac and the Republican National Convention are also going to Tampa but that's just a coincidence. A rather shitty coincidence.
My mom seems anxious and stressed. She's normally pretty pragmatic and solid, so it's hard to hear that. She also seems uncharacteristically selfish about my time there. So peculiar. I was such a mama's girl; I would have given anything for her to show that she liked having me around when I was young so it's a bit...unsettling, but warms my heart nevertheless.
I'm concerned...but he is relatively healthy so there is reason to be hopeful.