Friday, April 22, 2016

politics and time passing

It is a political season without precedent in my life. The drone of rhetoric and issues has become deafening the way sitting near the engine of the plane fills your ears. Politics is passion and passion is by definition volatile. Lots of people are feeling the fatigue from angry substantiated and unsubstantiated epithets hurled. It's too much today.

Work is not much of a relief. My inspirational and energetic leader of 2+ years is gone. Can't talk about why or how but it is painful. Inspiration and energy is in short supply. Candor and sincerity are even rarer. I depended too much on her enthusiasm and feel compelled to create it/find it/nurture it within me to give to the team. There's a black hole of escapism that keeps sucking it out. And there is understandable confusion/stress in the current leadership void.
Of course if tomorrow some real tragedy should strike, I would chide myself for puling over these small issues. That is me trying to get perspective. Well, I make myself climb out of this hole every day so I can help the people I work with because they are outstanding.

Time Passing
Over the past two years or so, there have been dramatic changes in the microcosm of my life.

  • My father died. 
  • We queers won the right to marry. (I am marrying the love of my life here in Houston in six months, on our 30th anniversary.)
  • Our daughter started renting our garage apartment. I will look back on this time in our relationship as one of our happiest times.
  • Barbara got a long-overdue, well-deserved promotion. 
  • I became a creative director. 
  • Barbara was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation. It is under control with medication and exercise. 
  • Our city has morphed into an L.A.-style traffic snarl.
  • Property taxes are out-of-control. 
  • I have been in a whirlwind of making. 
  • Finally finished a goddamned table after years of stalling. It's a beauty. 

  • I've been knitting. 

  • And baking. 

And dreaming of the day that my life will consist of hopping from one project to another.

Monday, December 10, 2012

the silly old maid

If we find the thing which makes us content but avoid it because of prejudices deep in our history then we are fools.

This season of football in a tv-less household has sent my love off to watch that enigmatic, crashing game at a dear friend's house. It is good on a deep, solid level to see her choose to enjoy herself and "leave me" behind because that has always been hard for her. I assure her I know she loves me no less...and that I need, need, need this time. It's so good for each of us.

After so many happy and companion-filled years I now have regular periods of solitude. I find that I am drawn to the same activities that delighted me as a young girl. (Except for the cooking, that's clearly an activity connected with adulthood for me.) I read. I listen to someone (okay, it's Garrison Keillor's craggy bass) read poetry to me. I do crossword puzzles. I write. I make things. I think about stuff. I make lists and plans.

It's even the fleeting self-consciousness that surprises me. The occasional awareness that my activities seem the choices of an old maid. First, why would I even care? Second, the charm of these things has been with me all my conscious life. Silly, silly woman/girl.

But it is fleeting and it does not change a thing. Dickinson and Milton and Angier and Gaiman, crossword clues and project drawings. And silence. Such lovely, velvety silence.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

that project of which I whined

Some months back I was kvetching about a project I was working on. Well, this is the project and it's finally complete:

While the music grates on me a bit, I'm immensely proud of the final product both from a data standpoint and a graphic communication standpoint.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

chaos and bliss

I remain in a state of awe about how much I've learned and how much I don't know. My life feels like it's tipping into a maelstrom of activity and emotion...and yet, between the periods of anxiety there are moments of such wonder and bliss I hardly recognize myself.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

parental units

My father's bladder cancer is back. He stopped treatment 5 years ago because...well, because it was painful and he is not logical sometimes. He just didn't want to deal with it. Maybe it would have come back anyway had he completed treatment or maybe it wouldn't have but it seems that ignoring it did not do the trick.

He's depressed and in pain. He's self-medicating and not quite in the present all the time. We're flying into Tampa to visit him this week. Hurricane Isaac and the Republican National Convention are also going to Tampa but that's just a coincidence. A rather shitty coincidence.

My mom seems anxious and stressed. She's normally pretty pragmatic and solid, so it's hard to hear that. She also seems uncharacteristically selfish about my time there. So peculiar. I was such a mama's girl; I would have given anything for her to show that she liked having me around when I was young so it's a bit...unsettling, but warms my heart nevertheless.

I'm concerned...but he is relatively healthy so there is reason to be hopeful.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

cartoon world

Today felt like cartoon world. Where I'm the little line drawing figure at a desk working, while steadily the little line drawing inbox fills up with two-dimensional papers speeding up exponentially as I work faster and faster.

Well, not that bad. It wasn't nihilistic or hopeless just daunting and, at times, oddly satisfying.

Every place is the same. Mostly. You work with people, some difficult, most not. If you're lucky, you will be charmed by your peers and subordinates. If you're really lucky, you will answer to a good and decent boss. And if you're super lucky, you get all this and a job where your efforts promote something you believe in.

Even in my exhaustion, I feel super lucky.

Sunday, July 29, 2012


What is it about having something else to do that makes me want to write so badly? Do I always have to have a pressing project deadline in order to get here? What a crazy formula.

And it's not that I hate the project, I don't. Well, I don't love it right now either...