the things people say, part 2

We've been interviewing tenants for our garage apartment. We almost rented it to the biggest asshat ever...let's call him Biff or Skip or something equally bourgeois, pretentious and upper middle classless. So Biff comes to see the apartment, fills out the application and since I don't have to be in love with the tenant*, I figure he will do. His credit rating, which he spouted off during our first doomed meeting, (red flag noted) was good, he was gainfully employed and spoke in full sentences.

Well, long story short, Biff began to send me bulleted emails about changes he wanted made to the very standard rental contract we'd sent him. Next, he challenged the move-in schedule like he had just been put in charge of Epiphenita's Franklin Planner (no, I don't). Then, fatefully, he began enumerating what he wanted cleaned and how. Finally, god help his fucktarded polished penny loafers, he requested a lease change so there was "some sort of option to sublet or re-lease the place, given the quality of tenant is no less than myself..."

I'd say what balls he has if I thought he was the least bit conscious of how insufferable an asshole he was. "...the quality of tenant...no less than myself" Are you fucking serious? I am not a violent woman. But if I had to spend any time at all around Biff, I swear on everything demonic, I would haul off and pummel his neatly coiffed arrogance into a pile of whimpering apology.

Most of the other applicants have been flakey or unable to grasp the stated square footage limitations inherent in 1950 garage apartments. We are showing it again this weekend. To a guy whose screen name is "Dirty Doodles." I ask you, does that alias seem like a great idea when you have no idea if your potential landlord is skittish or a sociopath? I don't really care...it just doesn't bode well.

Have I mentioned that the last time we advertised for a tenant, I made a comment on the neatness of one applicant's printing (I'm old-school drafting-lettering trained; so zip it.) and he chuckled and said, "Yeah, it's like a serial killer's handwriting!" Wow. I like good psychotic murderer humor as much as the next girl, but we've only just met. Let's see how fast I can scratch your name off the list of potential renters, okay?

*I tried to resist this. Really. It's been days since this post and in my compulsive re-editing mode I keep wanting to add alternatives to the descriptor: since I don't have to be in love with the tenant. Here goes and my apologies to those that don't enjoy a good dead horse beating:

• since I don't have to wipe the tenant's ass
• since I don't have to clean the tenant's ears
• since I don't have to hold the tenant's inner child
• since I don't have to read the tenant's palm
• since I don't have to pray with the tenant
• since I don't have to tuck the tenant in
• since I don't have to pay the tenant's porn bills
• since I don't have to entertain the tenant's mother
• since I don't have to trim the tenant's cuticles
• since I don't have to suck the tenant's dick

I only wish that I were done with this.

the things people say, part 1

First off, people, you need to know I've been taking hits off a flask of Haterade® all afternoon. This was one of the those weeks that you take out behind the building at 5pm on Friday and beat to death. That's all the disclaimer I've got.

You know that fabulous website overheadinnewyork.com? Well, it's possible that some of those quotes are the product of a few creative minds. I don't know. If they're funny, I don't really care. Point is, the quotes I'm slinging here, are ones that I have heard with my own disbelieving ears. If ears have beliefs.

Evidently I was in rare form this afternoon. My coworker made a remark insinuating that I had something in common with the snarky audience in Mystery Science Theater. A metaphor: I like percussion instruments as much as the next music lover but on Friday afternoon at 4pm I don't want to hear a fucking cymbal solo in the next cube. It's jarring and sucks out what little remains of my soul...troglodytes.

Earlier today, one of the relentlessly enthusiastic sales types said about the same successful transaction: "You really boxed him in!" [Breath.] "Man, you squeezed him out!" Okay, which is it? Boxed in or Squeezed out? Because if you do both, you need to see a digestive specialist. Or you're in labor.

In the same vein, I was in church some months ago. [Pause.] Yes, I go to church for weddings, funerals and whatever inane rites my loved ones choose to celebrate with invitations. I go to church but trust me, I always breathe a sigh of relief that I am leaving as me and not a zaftig pillar of salt. Anyway, I was listening to the preacher wax folksy about one thing or other when he read a passage from the bible and said of the quote, "when I first heard this scripture, as a human..." Seriously. He referred to himself in the past tense as being a human, as if something transpired since then to change his status.

I hear this shit and look around at the placid, unaffected faces of the people around me and just know that I am either hyper-aware or demonic. (Why am I so black and white about it? I could very easily be demonically hyper-aware.)

grammar just cried

Metrosexual guy: If I was some fish...
Girl, not looking up from her bus schedule: Grammar just cried.
Metrosexual guy: I don't follow you.
Girl: Good, because if you did, I would have to have you arrested.
Metrosexual guy: I am so confused.
Girl: Do the words 'you are an idiot' confuse you?
Metrosexual guy: I hate you.

--28th & 5th
from oiny

It's strange to have become the person that finds grammar and math insults funny.

just shoot me

I made a mistake.
Some work friends started a blog about losing weight after having a baby and I tried to be supportive. Even though talking about dieting is to me like talking about sex (kinky sex) is to Mother Teresa: disturbing and against everything I believe in. And unlike sex, it's not even titillating. A yawn. A bore. Insulting.

I read this entry and decided to include it here because otherwise my comments (below) would sound like the disjointed rant of a schizophrenic in dire need of a good long soak in a pharmaceutical bath. I'm too depressed to link all this shit as well. It's from momhouston.com, called Taking It Off-Moms Losing Weight. Read the source if you care. [bolding mine]

My daughter deserves "skinny parents" [blog post by TTsMom]

Is it still considered "losing the baby weight" if you were already overweight when you got pregnant?????

I got married a little over three years ago. My husband the love of my life and truly is my best friend. We have gone through some very tough times together in a pretty short amount of time, and it has only made us stronger. After two years of being pregnant, and not pregnant, and pregnant again, we finally had a full term, healthy baby girl in September.

Bringing Taylor home was the happiest day of my life.

F I N A L L Y…our family is growing. Taylor is growing so fast and changing so much. I realized that I grew a lot too in a very short amount of time! I’ve always been a big girl, and after I had Taylor I finally realized that I have to do something about it. My daughter should not have a fat mom because I’m too lazy to do something about it. I joined Weight Watchers at work with some friends, and luckily my husband is supportive of it. He is even doing it with me.

I have a very difficult anniversary coming up next month, and I already want to eat. Food makes me feel better. Chocolate is my drug of choice and I have to overcome my addiction. I have to stay strong, and I’m hoping this blog will keep me from falling off the wagon.

Losing weight is not just about eating right. It is a complete lifestyle change. Not only do I need to continue to eat better and make better choices, but I also need to incorporate exercise into the mix. I hope that my husband continues to stick through this with me. I want Taylor to have "skinny parents" who can keep up with her when she starts crawling and walking!!

My two-cents:

I'm glad this gives you such happiness. Since I can't imagine commenting here again, I am going to have my say and be done.

"My daughter should not have a fat mom because I’m too lazy to do something about it."
"I want Taylor to have 'skinny parents'"
"My daughter deserves to have skinny parents"

Deargod, tell me someone else out there is appalled.

Your daughter deserves to have happy, healthy, loving parents. Your daughter doesn't give a rat's @ss if you're skinny, but bygod you will teach her to despise you if you are overweight as she grows up. You will teach her by hating your not-skinny body.

Furthermore, thank you for teaching yet another female child that how women look is so important that she should feel entitled to a skinny mom.

This is not about health. This is about how you look. Oh, yeah, being healthier is a great side benefit of weight watchers but the drive here is body image. Negative body image.

I'm done here. This is too depressing.

Apropos postscript from Overheard in New York:

Mom to six-year-old son: Junk food is crap. If you eat it, you will be fat. Like Mommy.
--Central Park

death by dairy, no more (sob)

One of the healthy choices we made on the climb out of the the cholesterol vat was substituting soy milk for blessed cow's milk. You should have seen the face I made when we decided on this. Like many food biases, it turns out that oatmeal made with soy milk is quite edible. These quotes however, still echo my soy sentiments:

Columbia student volunteer: So, who knows what soy milk is?
Fourth grade girls: [Silence.]
Columbia student volunteer: Well, soy milk tastes like milk, but it's made with beans.
Fourth grader: Hold the phone -- beans has titties?

--P.S. 125
link

Mom: If you don't behave, you're not going to get any milk. Oh, no, you're going to get soy milk.
Screaming child: Nooo!
Mom: Yes. Soy milk. Just like when daddy was a vegan. And we don't want that, now do we?

--1 train, near Columbia
link

Every day for almost a year. Oatmeal made with soy milk. Cholesterol dropped dramatically. That's why I'm going to live longer. But I still think, NOOOOO! Beans has titties?

my used gift to you

Some overheardinnewyork.com snarkery for your nothing-about-valentine's-day pleasure:

Conductor: No train Hokey Pokey! Either you're in or you're out!

--7 train, Grand Central

Mom to seven-year-old crossing street: Be careful, dear. You don't want to get run over or we can't have sushi.

--78th & Amsterdam

Father to son running towards intersection: Remember! A foot in the street means a foot in your ass!

--57th & 4th, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn

Mother to small daughter outside St. Patrick's: Stop crying -- I know it looks more like a haunted house than a church.

--St. Patrick's Cathedral, 5th Ave

Ahh, isn't that better than finding change on the streets?

way to prate in '08

The Rude Pundit ran a little impromptu (?) haiku contest summing up 2007. I am tickled to have had two of my bastardized japanese poetry concoctions chosen. Nay, heading the list. Rude Pundit, I am honored.

If you're linkaphobic, here they are:

the year of living less freely
didja see those guys
gang-bang the constitution?
motherfuckers all.

election year sports
we brown folk and queers-
neocons' fav boogeymen-
sick of being used.

[I can't wait for the limerick contest.]

And cheers to more happy word abuse:

Remember the Washington Post's sometime word competition (add/change a letter in an established word and make a new one)? Well, here's an overheard in new york beauty:

JAP #1: Is he a Juddhist?
JAP #2: A what?
JAP #1: You know, a Jew Buddhist.
JAP #2: Oh, yeah, totally.

--7 train

and a golden one from my son about his internet-unsavvy friends:

They're so nonline.
[Used without permission. Sorry son, it was just too good and I couldn't wait. I'll will you the gigantic frying pan. Don't tell your sister.]

Happy 2008 people. Resist the urge this year to constantly rhyme '08 with some lame ass saying like It's Not Too Late in Aught Two Double-Oh Eight. Shit.

overheard in new york nails it

When I'm Not Traveling with My Softball Team

Lesbo: I'm just sick of everyone stereotyping and treating people based on race, sexual orientation, or whatever.
Staight woman: Yeah, it's hard to avoid.
Lesbo: I know! And it's like 2007! Everyone's gay or lesbian. The stereotyping is everywhere -- school, the gym, work.
Straight woman: Oh, where do you work?
Lesbo: Home Depot.

--4 train

tuesday morning pick-me-up

Once again, from OverheardInNewYork.com:

Older man hugging younger man: Wassup, my nigga?
Younger man: Dad, cut it out. We're white.

--Leonard & Lafayette St

This shit slays me.