Saturday, July 12, 2008

ptl and pass the pubic dye

Happened upon two gems in my cyber travels recently.

The first is (I won't even link to it because I can't bear to increase their site traffic. Go there if you don't believe me but you'll only have yourself to blame for the retinal scarring.) A few golden snippets from their page on Doctrine:

3. We believe that man is totally depraved, a sinner in both nature and practice, therefore totally separated from God, totally lost...

There are few things that get me off faster than being called totally depraved. Where do I sign up?

9. We believe that the Bible is the Word of God and is the absolute authority in determining the faith and practice of God’s people. We affirm that the sixty-six books of the Bible are inerrant, divinely and uniquely inspired, and [yadda, yadda, virgin-v'jay-jay, yadda, yadda]...

Have these folks every played Telephone? (Or as the politically insensitive call it: Chinese Whispers or Russian Scandal.)

Inerrant? As in:

in·er·rant /ɪnˈɛrənt/ [in-er-uhnt]
free from error; infallible.

Nothing new, this literal Bible thing. It just never ceases to amaze me how blithely Fundamentalism kicks Logic right off the cliff.
And here are some beauties under Course Descriptions:
SURVEY OF THE CULTSAn investigation of the Doctrine of Mormonism, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Armstrongism, Christian Science, Unity and others. Attention is also given to the founding fathers.
Yay!! Mormons, Jay-Dubs, Armstrongians (WTF? Lance has branched off into theology?), Christian Scientitians, Unityanites (are they talking about those fucking evil humanists, the Unitarians?) have made it into the Cult Club! With a nod to the evil tenets of the founding fathers. Deism and Theosophy, get thee hence!

PERSONAL EVANGELISMThis is an interesting course in personal soul winning. It is comprehensive in that it deals with the “how to” in soul winning.
ADVANCED EVANGELISMThis is an advanced course dealing with soul winning. This course, taught by Dr. Dabdoub deals with different scenarios that the soul winner will face during door to door soul winning...
Ooo, look, look! Basic, Advanced AND Door-to-Door Soul Winning. I am absolutely sure that Beelzebub Junior College has this exact same course in their catalog. Credits won't transfer, though. Devil take them.

APOLOGETICS 1This is an advanced study, taught by Dr. Dan Botterbrodt, dealing with the subjects of Evolution and the Cults.
For those of you keeping track, there's also an Apologetics 2: More Evolution, Bigger Cults.

Look, obscure words used to sound more...academical...academicky:
HOMILETICSThis course, taught by Pastor Phillip Weaver, offers an introduction to homiletics, which is the art of preaching. Varied considerations for [blah, blah, blah-fuckity-blah] ...sermon delivery.
HERMENEUTICSThis course, taught by Phillip E. Weaver deals with the process of biblical interpretation.

On October 9, 1997, after being examined educationally, ethically, and spiritually, SBS qualified for accreditation by the American Accrediting Association of Theological Institutions, Inc. of Rocky Mount, North Carolina.

According to the satanic wizards over at Wikipedia:

American Accrediting Association of Theological Institutions (AAATI) is a Christian nonprofit organization offering educational accreditation, based in Rocky Mount, North Carolina. It was formed in 1983. The composition of the board is unknown. According to Steve Levicoff, it is an accreditation mill operated by Dr. Cecil Johnson, president of Christian Bible College, a distance education Bible college based in Rocky Mount that Levicoff identifies as a diploma mill.

AAATI is not recognized as an accreditor by either the United States Department of Education and Council for Higher Education Accreditation.
(ugly tables, theirs; inconsistent italicizing/bolding for emphasis, all mine.)

I have to stop. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. A tiny barrel and a howitzer.

This second site is proof that the righteous surfer shall be rewarded.

I am delighted to present these two sites in one entry. Pastor ("Dr.") Dabdoub can now share his fame with technicolor pubes.
This site is ridiculous and wonderful for so many reasons:
  • Provides a darling, Mrs. Rubblesque nickname for your lady parts: Betty
  • Gives wordsmiths a plethora of tagline fun:
    Betty Color; Not just for merkins anymore!
    Betty Color; Paint your pudenda!
    Betty Color; Color for your cooch!

  • Creates endless opportunity for coining new phrases about making your hairs all matchy-matchy:
  • Coordinate your collar to your cuff.
    (gobless your betty-free heart, Giuseppe,
    for sending me this link.)
  • Order carpet to match the drapes.
  • Sync up your 'do and hoo-hoo.
  • Match your mullet and muff.
And of course,
  • Get your bob and beaver on the same page.
I cannot get enough. There are dyes (for brides: something blue?) and godsaveme, STENCILS! I am flummoxed, vahklempt...colorize amongst yourselves. Let me give you a topic: snatch is to swatch as religion is to fucktardery. Discuss.


Mormons Are Christian said...

Man is not depraved. Mormons are not Creedal Christians. However, they do believe in the Jesus Christ of the New Testament:

The Church of Jesus Christ (LDS) is often accused by Evangelical pastors of not believing in Christ and, therefore, not being a Christian religion. This article helps to clarify such misconceptions by examining early Christianity's comprehension of baptism, the Godhead, the deity of Jesus Christ and His Atonement.

The Church of Jesus Christ (LDS) adheres more closely to First Century Christianity and the New Testament than any other denomination. For example, Harper’s Bible Dictionary entry on the Trinity says “the formal doctrine of the Trinity as it was defined by the great church councils of the fourth and fifth centuries is not to be found in the New Testament.”

One Baptist blogger stated “99 percent of the members of his Baptist church believe in the Mormon (and Early Christian) view of the Trinity. It is the preachers who insist on the Nicene Creed definition.” It seems to me the reason the pastors denigrate the Church of Jesus Christ (LDS) is to protect their flock (and their livelihood).
Further reading;

Mormons Are Christian said...

The Bible is not inerrant. Our English translations were subject to human error - in fact the Nicene Creed emanated from a faulty translation of the original Greek. See

Epiphenita said...

oh, dearie, dear. this was bound to happen.

okay, um, i never had issues with the whole mormons are christian thing. i like that you don't think man is least, not across the board. i also don't think y'all are any more cultish than any other religion on earth.

(for the record, i think slidell baptist seminary is going to give the current crazy church college champion a run for their money in next year's competition.)

i appreciate that you don't think the bible is inerrant. though my experience is that mormons adhere rather strictly to the written word.

no matter. what i appreciate most is that you commented on a blog entry with the labels: beaver, betty, cults, irony, pussy, religion.

i mean, that makes me ridiculously happy.

Epiphenita said...

seriously. i am tickled silly.

this blog post is entitled "ptl and pass the pubic dye" and you STILL commented.

i am delirious. okay. i'm done now. jesus, that is just great. (no offense.)

Narya said...

Jesus Christ on roller skates. Or in a birch bark canoe; your choice.

It's difficult to know what is the most bizarre: the bible college? the dye? the LDS commenting? so many alternatives!

Epiphenita said...

I'm going to go for the roller skates. I love that one. Yes, Narya, it's a goulash of bizarre this time. In a perfect epiphenita world, I would create a course for stenciling the crucifix on your betty. For Jesus.

Narya said...

HAH! Though here's the thing--if I were going to dye the betty (and, as someone who doesn't shave her legs, much less her pubes, I can guarantee that i will NOT be dying the betty), I'd have to dye it grey so it would match the drapes. Okay, i could leave a little red in it, but mostly grey. But I don't think that's how it's supposed to work, at either end of the spectrum. Damn; does that mean I've failed femininity again?

e. said...

my barney is cringing at all this betty talk... or maybe it's just the mormons?

Epiphenita said...

oh,e., your barney. i wish i would have thought of that. that's great.