observations

Like many government-supported organizations, the university has buildings dedicated to Students with Disabilities, Student Health Services, etc. Walking past the Affirmative Action building last week I suddenly realized that it was beige.

missed the point

An acquaintance just posted this on FB:

"having a surprise 85th birthday celebration for my mom on Sat. She is on her way to the cardiologist tomorrow morning. She having problems with her heart rate. Please pray. I really don't want to have the party in the hospital!!!!!"

I didn't have the heart to write:

"A surprise party for an 85-year old woman with heart problems? Perhaps we should pray that baby Jesus heals you with the gift of irony."

choreography saturday

My Saturday entertainment line up for this past weekend was as follows:

• IWE Wrestling at the Armadillo Flea Market on I-45 and Airtex from 3-6pm.
• Tango Buenos Aires at Jones Hall in downtown Houston from 8-10pm.

If high and low culture were weather systems, there should have been thundersnow in my life between 6pm and 8pm.

To recap the local wrestling:
There were masked luchadores. There was much spandex (the TMI of fabrics) stretched over lumpy frames. There were tag teams (chanted for Wrecking Crew and against Nemesis & Sin, if you need to know where I stand). The wrestling spilled off the mat into the crowd on numerous occasions.

The event was sponsored by H-Town Bail Bonds. Butofcourse. There were toddlers cheering. There was a mock weapons search of some of the wrestlers. I brought pen and paper to take notes...and found myself stuffing them into my bra whenever I needed my hands for clapping. Something I never do normally. Subconscious adaptation is what that is.

Our dear friend Josh (who calls me his SHEro for agreeing to attend and actually showing up), initiated us into the taunting chant ritual. Explained the beauty of the "unnecessary USA chant" and how intoxicating it is to the crowd. We jeered. We whooped.

In the interest of full disclosure I must add that I was 2/3 drunk. Which means I'd had 2 beers in quick succession prior to the festivities. I was hoping to maintain that state of inebriation; I was sure there would be beer there but no. Just carny food that wouldn't have made the cut at an elementary school festival. Nonetheless, that simple buzz went a long way to easing me into the world of fake sleeper holds and dramatic ref counts.

To recap the Tango Buenos Aires performance:
There were women in slitted dresses with brightly colored linings* that flashed repeatedly as they swirled and slid and did all the tango-flavored gyrations. There were sparkly high-heeled dance shoes that mesmerized.

And there were men in fluid suits moving with their partners in stupefying synchronicity. Apart and together, sliding and twirling. How they were not covered in shin contusions is a mystery to me. High heels and that much leg-slinging whilst spinning gonad-to-gonad ought to produce serious bruising. I can't vouch for the panted men but either the women were that good or they have awesome cover stick makeup.

Finally, there was a mock fight scene which recalled the event earlier in the day. Only this fight didn't involve any head-to-sweaty-crotch holds.

*Which reminds me of one of my favorite insects, the underwing moth. (source)

It's all about the mystery people.

the muse is probably not amused

After writing about creativity and divine inspiration, I feel a little crass posting this. Like trading out A Muse for amuse. But I kind of have to. For balance.

Okay, you know this happens regularly. A graphic behind the talking head is not the breaking news. A photo is published that doesn't match the story. Two stories are published side by side that produce an unintended (most of the time, I assume) irony.

Okay, so it's not funny that people died in the ConAgra plant in North Carolina. It's not funny but the juxtaposition of the image is amusing. Not hysterical, just amusing.

Amusing. Like one of the first eyewitness quotes that started: "I was getting ready to pick up a piece of meat off the line and I felt it [the explosion]..." said worker Chris Woods.

Amusing like the atypical comment (as the comment section following most articles is a huge fetid pile of human brain waste) I read: "Explosion...what the heck is in those Slim Jims anyway?"

But my favorite thing about this unfortunate event was the image of a building spewing forth cellophane-encased Slim Jim spears like so many fireworks streamers. That amuses me.

not guilty, your honor, by reason of t-shirt declaration

This via boingboing.net:

Man in "I [Heart] My Marriage" t-shirt arrested for domestic battery

Posted by David Pescovitz, March 20, 2009 8:59 PM | permalink

This gentleman was arrested on Monday for attempting to strangle his wife. Bradley Gellert, of Apollo Beach, Florida, was indeed wearing the "I [heart] My Marriage" t-shirt at the time of the arrest. From WTSP:

The arrest report says that the couple were arguing over drugs, and during the fight at their home, Gellert screamed in his wife's face, threw things, grabbed her neck and strangled her, and knocked her to the ground.


What's not to love about the irony of this story? Those I [heart] My Wife/Husband or I [heart] My Marriage or I [heart] My Filipino Mail Order Bride are already disturbing. If we are married and feel we have to assure the world in general that we love our spouse...well, it's just creepy public grandstanding.

Let's say I saw someone sporting a I [heart] My Newborn t-shirt. I would be tempted to run up to the parent and ask, "as opposed to...what? I am lukewarm about my infant? I loathe my baby?" Seriously, if you don't love your newborn then your t-shirt is not going to make it better. If you do love your newborn then plastering it across your tits seems to assume that the t-shirt reading public is extremely dull-witted and needs it spelled out that you do have warm parental feelings. Be that as it may, I don't think these t-shirt wearers have ironic sociological commentary in mind when they don their warm-fuzzy shirts.

Finally, I feel not a little umbrage at the opening line:

"This gentleman was arrested on Monday for attempting to strangle his wife."

I reject most notions of "ladies" and "gentlemen" in any culture but I'm pretty sure that attempting to strangle your wife puts you just outside the definition of being a gentleman.

ptl and pass the pubic dye

GEM ONE of TWO
Happened upon two gems in my cyber travels recently.

The first is SlidellBaptistSeminary.org (I won't even link to it because I can't bear to increase their site traffic. Go there if you don't believe me but you'll only have yourself to blame for the retinal scarring.) A few golden snippets from their page on Doctrine:

3. We believe that man is totally depraved, a sinner in both nature and practice, therefore totally separated from God, totally lost...

There are few things that get me off faster than being called totally depraved. Where do I sign up?

9. We believe that the Bible is the Word of God and is the absolute authority in determining the faith and practice of God’s people. We affirm that the sixty-six books of the Bible are inerrant, divinely and uniquely inspired, and [yadda, yadda, virgin-v'jay-jay, yadda, yadda]...

Have these folks every played Telephone? (Or as the politically insensitive call it: Chinese Whispers or Russian Scandal.)

Inerrant? As in:

in·er·rant /ɪnˈɛrənt/ [in-er-uhnt]
–adjective
free from error; infallible.

Nothing new, this literal Bible thing. It just never ceases to amaze me how blithely Fundamentalism kicks Logic right off the cliff.

And here are some beauties under Course Descriptions:

SURVEY OF THE CULTS

An investigation of the Doctrine of Mormonism, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Armstrongism, Christian Science, Unity and others. Attention is also given to the founding fathers.

Yay!! Mormons, Jay-Dubs, Armstrongians (WTF? Lance has branched off into theology?), Christian Scientitians, Unityanites (are they talking about those fucking evil humanists, the Unitarians?) have made it into the Cult Club! With a nod to the evil tenets of the founding fathers. Deism and Theosophy, get thee hence!

PERSONAL EVANGELISM	This is an interesting course in personal soul winning. It is comprehensive in that it deals with the “how to” in soul winning.
ADVANCED EVANGELISM	This is an advanced course dealing with soul winning. This course, taught by Dr. Dabdoub deals with different scenarios that the soul winner will face during door to door soul winning...

Ooo, look, look! Basic, Advanced AND Door-to-Door Soul Winning. I am absolutely sure that Beelzebub Junior College has this exact same course in their catalog. Credits won't transfer, though. Devil take them.

APOLOGETICS 1

This is an advanced study, taught by Dr. Dan Botterbrodt, dealing with the subjects of Evolution and the Cults.

For those of you keeping track, there's also an Apologetics 2: More Evolution, Bigger Cults.

Look, obscure words used to sound more...academical...academicky:

HOMILETICS	This course, taught by Pastor Phillip Weaver, offers an introduction to homiletics, which is the art of preaching. Varied considerations for [blah, blah, blah-fuckity-blah] ...sermon delivery.
HERMENEUTICS	This course, taught by Phillip E. Weaver deals with the process of biblical interpretation.

On October 9, 1997, after being examined educationally, ethically, and spiritually, SBS qualified for accreditation by the American Accrediting Association of Theological Institutions, Inc. of Rocky Mount, North Carolina.

According to the satanic wizards over at Wikipedia:

American Accrediting Association of Theological Institutions (AAATI) is a Christian nonprofit organization offering educational accreditation, based in Rocky Mount, North Carolina. It was formed in 1983. The composition of the board is unknown. According to Steve Levicoff, it is an accreditation mill operated by Dr. Cecil Johnson, president of Christian Bible College, a distance education Bible college based in Rocky Mount that Levicoff identifies as a diploma mill.

AAATI is not recognized as an accreditor by either the United States Department of Education and Council for Higher Education Accreditation.

(ugly tables, theirs; inconsistent italicizing/bolding for emphasis, all mine.)

I have to stop. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. A tiny barrel and a howitzer.

GEM TWO of TWO
This second site is proof that the righteous surfer shall be rewarded.

I am delighted to present these two sites in one entry. Pastor ("Dr.") Dabdoub can now share his fame with technicolor pubes.

This site is ridiculous and wonderful for so many reasons:

• Provides a darling, Mrs. Rubblesque nickname for your lady parts: Betty
• Gives wordsmiths a plethora of tagline fun:
  Betty Color; Not just for merkins anymore!
  Betty Color; Paint your pudenda!
  Betty Color; Color for your cooch!
  
• Creates endless opportunity for coining new phrases about making your hairs all matchy-matchy:
  

Coordinate your collar to your cuff.
(gobless your betty-free heart, Giuseppe,
for sending me this link.)

Order carpet to match the drapes.

Sync up your 'do and hoo-hoo.

Match your mullet and muff.

And of course,

Get your bob and beaver on the same page.

I cannot get enough. There are dyes (for brides: something blue?) and godsaveme, STENCILS! I am flummoxed, vahklempt...colorize amongst yourselves. Let me give you a topic: snatch is to swatch as religion is to fucktardery. Discuss.

are we on the same page?

oxymoron: urging people to think outside of the box by using a hackneyed cliché.

the wurst puns

Sometimes work is a fount of inspiration. This from the Wurstfest* website history page:

The first year it was “Sausage Festival”...later “Wurst Week”...and finally “Wurstfest”. What he thought would be a typical small town festival was conceived by Ed A. Grist , who was a practicing Veterinarian and City Meat Inspector.

Dr. Grist. Who midwifes Bossie's offspring and labels it Prime Veal Cutlet all in one visit. Did I mention his name was Grist?

*"The TEN Day Salute to Sausage"