Saturday, February 17, 2007

keys to the kingdom

I don't know which one of you assholes signed me up for the "free" gift from the Priests of the Sacred Heart Monastery in Hales Corners, Wisconsin but I am moved to the bottom of my unsacred heart.

Our Lady of Guadalupe (or "Lady Loopy," as we like to call her) is cunningly enameled on a little goldtone key chain. And if the Merciful Virgin wasn't enough (and by Cracky, she is) my unworthy name is printed more or less centered below her Holy that the sinner who steals my keys will be able to track down my lost soul and worldly possessions as well.

In addition, the whole direct mail marketing piece is in Spanish. From which I've learned that "misericordiosa" translates as "merciful" not "miserable"(according to Babel Fish) but the resemblance is uncanny.

Finally, one more Catholic-scented note: if you look closely, Our Decoupaged Lady on the Wood-Burned Plaque is being held aloft by a deceptively strong putti. The Angel Atlas, if you will, is a little disturbing in that he is reaching up under her dress hem to perform his feat of virginal suspension. One could almost picture the holographic version of this image with his cherubic head tilting back to snatch a glimpse of the Holy Mother's holy hoohah.


Beyonce said...

This wasn't me, but I wish I could take credit. Have you considered using it to hold your keys to the liquor cabinet?

Epiphenita said...

Damn, I've already loaded it up with the keys to my porn vault. Surely the good fathers would consider sending a second sacred key chain to bless the liquor cabinet? Maybe if I pray really hard...

bryan said...


Since you're fully ensconced on your Journey towards Enlightenment, there may be something else you will need.

Specifically, I hear that anyone could call LDS and request a free BoM - maybe you want me to make that call for you? :P