love and contempt

Have you ever really liked/loved someone for whom, within a short span of time, you feel intense dislike and revulsion for? And those feelings ping-pong back and forth regularly? It's not so hard to imagine academically but in reality, I can't seem to get my head wrapped around the dichotomy.

On another note, I am in the middle of Reading Lolita in Tehran. It's hard to see the rise of religious zealotry in this country and not feel a shiver of deja vu when you read about the Iranian Islamic Revolution. Couldn't happen here, you think? You should read this woman's utter disbelief that this could happen in her country. And watch her slowly accept the morality squads' erosion of civil liberties. Especially for women. Accepted is the wrong word. Resigned is more like it. Because she understands that rebellion could mean death.

With that little pick-me-up, I'm going back to baking a cake for my coworkers...

balance

I've been thinking a lot about leadership.
About the balance between being strong and ruthless.
About the balance between being über egalitarian and ineffectual.
Of course, it doesn't have to be one or the other.
But it is rarely clearly, cleanly one or the other.

As a woman, claiming power is the sound of cymbals crashing in my head.
At once, invigorating and terrifying.
I jump up in excitement and recoil.
Such figurative schizophrenia makes me angry.
But anger is a stupid response because this is about balance.
Which is never simple and never clear.
Even for men. I don't know.
I've been thinking a lot about leadership.

dynamic tension

I was writing to a friend about the ongoing, internal sparring match in me brain.

In the far corner The Inner Pragmatist dances in anticipation of a slugfest with The Inner Purist. It's a necessary battle, I believe. But not constantly. Except while you're in it, it sort of feels like you're always in the ring.

Here's how it goes. I agree to do "x" because it's sensible and potentially beneficial financially. Inner Accountant raises its arms in victory. Inner Philosopher sulks and starts picking a fight because "x" is also time-consuming and sucks a little of my soul out.

I agree to do "y" because it's practical and appropriate (goddamn, I so hate that word). Inner Intellect applauds, Inner Emotion jeers.

Oh, fuck. Enough with the "x" and "y". Too much cryptic annoys.

I agreed to be a supervisor at work and I'm crabby as hell about going to meetings and I'm letting myself get all anxious as if I'm responsible for the fucking world. That kind of hypocritical, egotistical, counterproductive whining is OBNOXIOUS to the nth degree. And yet, here I am.
Come down off the cross, we could use the wood, I tell myself.

The "y" is so much harder. A couple of years ago, I/we stopped paying for our children to fly home for the holidays. (Which, by the way, they never asked us to do and were ever grateful for the gift.) Economic constriction made it easier but ultimately, they are adults and need to figure out whether they want to come home enough to figure out how to do so, she said firmly...

...while her heart howls with grief.

I just can't get this shit aligned.

ringside seat

Saturday. The day Productivity and Introspection step into the ring. And get good and bloodied in the process. It's not a pretty fight. Nor orderly. Clean the house? Read a novel? Do everything and drop exhausted at the end of the day? Or blog about the conflict and accomplish nothing at all?