Insomnia
I'm
struggling with, not daily but regular, insomnia. So strange for a
narcoleptic to experience this. I am fairly sure this has to do with the
change of my routine. While I spend less time sitting at my computer
these days, I am also not juggling meetings and fielding phone calls. I
think a lot of my working exhaustion came from that stress and at the
end of each day, I was more tired.
This
is me, hypothesizing. Being at peace doesn't take up so much energy!
Even though I exercise the same amount and sit less, I am still more
rested at the end of each retirement day than I ever was while working. I don't know. All I know is this lying in
bed awake at midnight has got to stop.
Night before last, I gave up and got up. Had a drink (bourbon) and went back to bed. It
worked but then I was too sluggish to get up on time in the morning.
I often wonder if is the bliss I have right now the result of working so long and hard that i was miserable? Is that how we get here? You would never agree to hitting your thumb with a hammer just to feel the absence of pain when you stopped. Anyway, I'm not interested in becoming physically or emotionally drained just so I can sleep at night, so I'd better find another solution that doesn't rely on drugs. Those are for recreation and fun.
Gilead
Just finished rereading The Handmaid's Tale.
It hit me more powerfully this time than when I read it years ago. The
storytelling is so good. And so fucking upsetting. I will start on The Testaments,
Atwood's 2019 followup (of sorts) novel. Reading, if a book is
compelling, makes my "real" life feel otherworldly for a little while.
That is both appealing and unsettling.
Some might argue that the story is farfetched and not pertinent. In my lifetime, I have experienced the powerful coercion of religious/cultural dogma. (I have to add that religion seemed less like the goal and more like the incredible tool it is to create social order and obedience) And, like the story, the enforcers and indoctrinators were often women. Teaching you that to question, to feel, to want were all signs of weakness and moral decay. It is not fictional to me. For example, my habit/dress and fear of immodesty were embedded and then, self-perpetuating. It took little more than a nudge to keep me in line.
And those that objected? They were easily and maliciously accused of all sorts of lies. Their very presence was painted as a threat to decency and safety. We were too frightened by the debauched picture leaders painted to question the outrageous claims. Those voices were muffled, then silenced.
Project
I
have transferred a simplified version of my grandchild's dad's restaurant logo to the apron front I am making for their mini-chef
costume. I have collected a fair amount of embroidery floss over the
years (oddly enough, my ex-husband liked to embroider and I ended up
with a bunch of his floss).
When we moved back in after the renovation, I
took the time to organize the tangle. You know, color-coordinate and
bundle–I am such a happy nerd. So, I looked in there for some white thread and there was none.
How could I have all these colors and NO white? That's crazy. I am
trying so hard to use what I have on hand but I had to order some white floss
anyway.
Writing
I continue to struggle/enjoy this writing challenge. I have allowed myself
the luxury of not having to do 14 consecutive days. But I am pretty
close to being done--today will be Day 11. It is so good to think harder
about ideas, how to present them, what to leave out, etc.
Over the past few years, I have not read regularly. The last novel I read before Handmaid's Tale was Liar's Dictionary. It was wonderful. A combination of well-told story and word-lover vocabulary. What a wonderful book. And an inspiration to keep writing. Keep practicing.
Heat
So
worried about all my Pacific Northwest people during this terrible heat wave!
Especially my son and his wife. Their house is not well insulated and
they are particularly stretched thin right now. But he checks in regularly and
they have found temporary solutions to withstanding the inferno. Fucking
climate change.
I know 100° weather is not the end of the world and most people living in comfortable situations can deal. But those without air conditioning or adequate water can really suffer. 115° weather on the other hand, is deadly. You really shouldn't be outside for any length of time and if you don't have air conditioning (like most people in PNW), you've got to find other ways to cool off. Today Portland will be a balmy 91°. The only thing they have that we don't right now are cool nights. Their day/night temperature spread during the heat wave was like 40° (110° – 70°) ours for much of the summer is closer to a 20° (95° – 75°) spread.
Today
My goals for today are pretty simple. Do some reading. Do some sewing. Plan a meal for our friends who are coming over on Saturday night. Trim my shrubbery (hair). The Saint has a work retreat (what an oxymoron) and dinner with her sister in the early evening, so I get to soak in the solitude.
We leave for Seattle/Portland one week from tomorrow for a 2-week visit. I am so, so looking forward to being there, a/c or no a/c.
1 comment:
You wrote:
"And, like the story, the enforcers and indoctrinators were often women. Teaching you that to question, to feel, to want were all signs of weakness and moral decay."
This was like a punch in the gut to me. So true. It is the women indoctrinators who have wounded me the most. Those who I looked to for protection and help who responded instead with chastising barks saying it was my own fault. I was the cause of my own abuse. If that's not a major mind-fuck-control way of enforcing obedience...
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