Saturday, February 04, 2012

perpetual idiocy rules

Let's face it: facebook sucks the life out of blogging. But here I am because facebook also provides endless fodder for blogging. (If one has time/energy left after logging off.)

A friend posted the tripe above. She, like a million other women, view this as the romantic ideal.

It's not.
It is patronizing, controlling and offensive. Insulting to both men and women.

Let's take it apart (without the stupid title caps and random punctuation crapulence), shall we?:
When she pulls away, pull her back.
Oh dear. How much like "when she says no she really means yes" is this? By all means, pull her back against her will; just hope her left jab isn't better than yours.

When you see her start crying, just hold her and don't say a word.
Because you are an imbecile and couldn't possibly figure out how to ask her what is the matter. And if you speak, you'll just fuck everything up.

When you see her walking, sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
Whatever. If she hates surprises, wear protection.

When she's scared, protect her.
Because everyone knows that women dissolve into little piles of scented hankies when they're scared.

When she steals your favorite hoodie, let her wear it.
She's just a cutesy little klepto-muffin and isn't that adorable?

When she says that she loves you, she really does mean it.
And you couldn't possibly assess that based on your own observation, right?

When she grabs at your hands, hold hers and play with her fingers.
Seriously. Stop that.

When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold.
As opposed to what you normally do when someone confides in you.
When she looks at you in your eyes, don't look away until she does.
Nothing more romantic than a staring contest.

When she's mad, hug her tight and don't let go.
Unless she's armed. In which case, really don't let her go.

When she says she's okay, don't believe it.
Sigh. Really? Try to forget middle school.

Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
Every woman's dream guy is the obsessed stalker.

Kiss her in the pouring rain.

When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is: "Whose butt am I kicking, baby?"
Even if she's genuinely upset about something of merit, threatening bloodshed will make it all better.
Men and women will not break worn out and limiting patterns until they recognize this as just imbecilic role-playing.

No comments: