may

Walked past one of our security guards a few minutes ago and said hello. She responded, "It's National Prayer Day. Don't forget to pray!"

If I were really as mean as I'd like people to think, I'd have told her, "And May is National Masturbation Month. Don't forget to masturbate!"

happy easter to my peeps

To all you believers out there, enjoy your chocolate-covered resurrection celebration tomorrow.

Today, however, take comfort in the words of the great philosopher, Miracle Max:

See, there's a big difference between mostly dead, and all dead.
—Miracle Max

this week's theme emerges

via holytaco.com

stopping by for a sec

So much to tell you, so many things pulling on my coattails...this from last week's Writer's Alamanac:

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
-Mark Twain, author and humorist (1835-1910)

Addendum: And this from today's:

We are all atheists about most of the gods that societies have ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further.
-Richard Dawkins, biologist and author (b. 1941)

Be back soon.

what they said

Religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few.
-Stendhal
via Wikiquote

A belief which leaves no place for doubt is not a belief; it is a superstition.
-Jose Bergamin, author (1895-1983)
via A.Word.A.Day

What gods are there, what gods have there ever been, that were not from man's imagination?
-Joseph Campbell
via Wikiquote

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
-Napoleon Bonaparte
via quotdb.com

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
-Voltaire
via Wikiquote

Do you, good people, believe that Adam and Eve were created in the Garden of Eden and that they were forbidden to eat from the tree of knowledge? I do. The church has always been afraid of that tree. It still is afraid of knowledge. Some of you say religion makes people happy. So does laughing gas. So does whiskey. I believe in the brain of man. I'm not worried about my soul.
-Clarence Darrow, American Lawyer and Civil Libertarian
via wikiquote

I have always felt that doubt was the beginning of wisdom, and the fear of God was the end of wisdom.
-Clarence Darrow, American Lawyer and Civil Libertarian
via wikiquote

the name of the rose

Hey, look: I'm only 20+ years behind on movie viewing! We saw The Name of the Rose this past week. This is my jumbled review.

The Intro
The director described his work as "a palimpsest of Umberto Eco's novel." Palimpsest. It's a beautiful word. With a poetic meaning:

pal·imp·sest n.
1. A manuscript, typically of papyrus or parchment, that has been written on more than once, with the earlier writing incompletely erased and often legible.
2. An object, place, or area that reflects its history: “Spaniards in the sixteenth century... saw an ocean moving south... through a palimpsest of bayous and distributary streams in forested paludal basins” (John McPhee). [bolded text my emphasis]

The Star
Sean Connery. Sean Connery's voice has the same effect on me as Garrison Keillor's voice: I am comforted and compelled by it. I also think he was beautiful as a monk.

Side Note Quote
"Females, by their very nature, are perverse." Yawn.

What I knew about the Story/Plot
Okay, I knew the basic components: monks are suspiciously dying, a monk and his acolyte come to investigate, set in the Middle Ages.

What I figured about the Story/Plot
This was a story about the power of religion (state, culture). Since it involved the Middle Ages and the Inquisition, it was a story about the extreme power of religion. And, there would probably be chanting and coarsely woven cassocks.

What was reinforced in me by the Story/Plot
One of the fallacies of ancient and modern religion is bastardized logic.

• Throw a suspected witch in the water. If she floats, she's guilty...and will be burned at the stake.
  
• Throw a suspected witch in the water. If she sinks and drowns, she is was innocent.
• If you don't confess, you will be tortured until you do.
• If you do confess, you will be tortured for your sins.
  
• And of course, if you disagree with the Inquisitor, you are a heretic.

And a modern application:

• If a baby is abandoned in a dumpster and dies, it was god's will and he's now with God and safe.
• If a baby is abandoned in a dumpster and lives, it was god's will and god intervened to save him.

You cannot, of course, argue with this kind of logic. Unfortunately, when religion begins to impose itself on society in a political way, it must be able to stand up to some logic or, you know, the whole innocent-until-proven-guilty fairness thing gets fucked 12 ways.

I was also right, there was chanting. Ditto on the burlap robes.

What I didn't Know about the Story/Plot
SPOILER: For those of you 25+ years behind on your cinematic education, you might want to skip this part.

This is a story about the perceived danger of COMEDY.

This was a surprise. The old, blind monk believed a rare, single copy of Aristotle's work on comedy to be sinful. To prevent anyone from reading this work and "converting" to Aristotle's ideas on comedy, he applied arsenic to the page corners that were routinely turned by licked fingers. Thus, poisoning and killing the readers.

As a former religious fanatic and convert to the joys of comedy, this is fascinating. Not new...I was aware how humor could be juxtaposed against sobriety with admonitions against too much levity. It's very difficult to judge medieval behavior by our modern standards--there's so much historical context to fully understand. But think about the incredible control an organization has that strips wealth, limits knowledge, forbids questioning AND bans humor from its followers?

And lest you think this only applies to dusty history, this type of control exists in every fanatical movement. Today. Because autonomy, laughter, questioning and knowledge are powerful tools against orthodoxy.

Indirectly related, I read this post by atheist blogger Greta Christina and particularly liked #3 on why she doesn't believe in god. It ties in here. Really.

holy see men

Thanks to my good friend Oliver, I now have this irritation to fuel the rest of the renovation...

Vatican: "Homosexual behavior" on the decline
10:27 AM CST on Thursday, January 15, 2009
Associated Press

WASHINGTON—A Vatican office that evaluated U.S. Roman Catholic seminaries says the schools have made improvements in halting what they call “homosexual behavior” among students.

The Vatican also says seminaries are doing well in teaching about celibacy and are generally effective in screening candidates for the priesthood.

The Vatican ordered the seminary review in response to the clergy sex abuse crisis to see whether the schools had contributed to the problem. The Vatican also directed evaluators to look for “evidence of homosexuality” in the schools.

Some Catholics blame gay clergy for the abuse scandal. Experts on sex offenders say gays are no more likely than others to molest children.

Priests have been molesting children for centuries. But it's only after all this holy-man-on-boy-action litigation that the Vatican decides to get off its red velvet ass and do something. And shifting the focus to homosexuality certainly distracts from their abominable negligence.

A couple of points.

The Vat is stating that seminaries "have made improvements in halting what they call 'homosexual behavior' among students."

"What they call 'homosexual behavior'? What the hell does that mean? Is it significantly different from what the general public calls homosexual behavior (sans quotes)?

Maybe they have some hidden gauge like for a woman's virginity...1st base, 2nd base, 3rd base, tagged before home plate--phew, hymen still intact, you get to wear white! So if you just get a hard-on at the sight of a backwards collar, you might not be a homosexual? Or if you just fondle cock through the cassock, you might not be a homosexual?

And when the Vatican states that this "homosexual behavior" is on the decline...what are the metrics on that? A reduction in holy lube orders? More coordinated habit/chastity belt sets being sold? (Note: all this muck about homosexuality seems to be focused on the MEN of god, eh? What about those wicked, wicked dyke nuns? Oh, to have an old-fashioned habit!) Where is the data for this supposed drop in homo activity?

Ah, and there's the less-than-subtle segue from homosexuality to pedophilia. Nice one, Herr Pope. And see that last line? Buried under the bullshit? Experts on sex offenders say gays are no more likely than others to molest children.

Talk about your Catholic puff piece. They say that seminaries are "generally effective in screening candidates for the priesthood." What kind of limp dick assurance is that? Why would anyone feel safer letting their offspring near a priest?

Aw shit. Why would anyone expect lifelong sexual frustration to NOT create serious problems?

holy hybrid salvation

Flabbergasping.

Greater Grace, the largest church in Detroit, invited officials from the United Automobile Workers union to speak before Bishop Ellis gave his sermon, titled “A Hybrid Hope.”

The S.U.V.’s on the stage, a Chevrolet Tahoe, Ford Escape and Chrysler Aspen on loan from local dealerships, were all gas-electric hybrids, and Bishop Ellis urged worshipers to combat the region’s woes by mixing hope with faith in God.

Praise be to Oliver and the NYT.

ptl and pass the pubic dye

GEM ONE of TWO
Happened upon two gems in my cyber travels recently.

The first is SlidellBaptistSeminary.org (I won't even link to it because I can't bear to increase their site traffic. Go there if you don't believe me but you'll only have yourself to blame for the retinal scarring.) A few golden snippets from their page on Doctrine:

3. We believe that man is totally depraved, a sinner in both nature and practice, therefore totally separated from God, totally lost...

There are few things that get me off faster than being called totally depraved. Where do I sign up?

9. We believe that the Bible is the Word of God and is the absolute authority in determining the faith and practice of God’s people. We affirm that the sixty-six books of the Bible are inerrant, divinely and uniquely inspired, and [yadda, yadda, virgin-v'jay-jay, yadda, yadda]...

Have these folks every played Telephone? (Or as the politically insensitive call it: Chinese Whispers or Russian Scandal.)

Inerrant? As in:

in·er·rant /ɪnˈɛrənt/ [in-er-uhnt]
–adjective
free from error; infallible.

Nothing new, this literal Bible thing. It just never ceases to amaze me how blithely Fundamentalism kicks Logic right off the cliff.

And here are some beauties under Course Descriptions:

SURVEY OF THE CULTS

An investigation of the Doctrine of Mormonism, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Armstrongism, Christian Science, Unity and others. Attention is also given to the founding fathers.

Yay!! Mormons, Jay-Dubs, Armstrongians (WTF? Lance has branched off into theology?), Christian Scientitians, Unityanites (are they talking about those fucking evil humanists, the Unitarians?) have made it into the Cult Club! With a nod to the evil tenets of the founding fathers. Deism and Theosophy, get thee hence!

PERSONAL EVANGELISM	This is an interesting course in personal soul winning. It is comprehensive in that it deals with the “how to” in soul winning.
ADVANCED EVANGELISM	This is an advanced course dealing with soul winning. This course, taught by Dr. Dabdoub deals with different scenarios that the soul winner will face during door to door soul winning...

Ooo, look, look! Basic, Advanced AND Door-to-Door Soul Winning. I am absolutely sure that Beelzebub Junior College has this exact same course in their catalog. Credits won't transfer, though. Devil take them.

APOLOGETICS 1

This is an advanced study, taught by Dr. Dan Botterbrodt, dealing with the subjects of Evolution and the Cults.

For those of you keeping track, there's also an Apologetics 2: More Evolution, Bigger Cults.

Look, obscure words used to sound more...academical...academicky:

HOMILETICS	This course, taught by Pastor Phillip Weaver, offers an introduction to homiletics, which is the art of preaching. Varied considerations for [blah, blah, blah-fuckity-blah] ...sermon delivery.
HERMENEUTICS	This course, taught by Phillip E. Weaver deals with the process of biblical interpretation.

On October 9, 1997, after being examined educationally, ethically, and spiritually, SBS qualified for accreditation by the American Accrediting Association of Theological Institutions, Inc. of Rocky Mount, North Carolina.

According to the satanic wizards over at Wikipedia:

American Accrediting Association of Theological Institutions (AAATI) is a Christian nonprofit organization offering educational accreditation, based in Rocky Mount, North Carolina. It was formed in 1983. The composition of the board is unknown. According to Steve Levicoff, it is an accreditation mill operated by Dr. Cecil Johnson, president of Christian Bible College, a distance education Bible college based in Rocky Mount that Levicoff identifies as a diploma mill.

AAATI is not recognized as an accreditor by either the United States Department of Education and Council for Higher Education Accreditation.

(ugly tables, theirs; inconsistent italicizing/bolding for emphasis, all mine.)

I have to stop. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. A tiny barrel and a howitzer.

GEM TWO of TWO
This second site is proof that the righteous surfer shall be rewarded.

I am delighted to present these two sites in one entry. Pastor ("Dr.") Dabdoub can now share his fame with technicolor pubes.

This site is ridiculous and wonderful for so many reasons:

• Provides a darling, Mrs. Rubblesque nickname for your lady parts: Betty
• Gives wordsmiths a plethora of tagline fun:
  Betty Color; Not just for merkins anymore!
  Betty Color; Paint your pudenda!
  Betty Color; Color for your cooch!
  
• Creates endless opportunity for coining new phrases about making your hairs all matchy-matchy:
  

Coordinate your collar to your cuff.
(gobless your betty-free heart, Giuseppe,
for sending me this link.)

Order carpet to match the drapes.

Sync up your 'do and hoo-hoo.

Match your mullet and muff.

And of course,

Get your bob and beaver on the same page.

I cannot get enough. There are dyes (for brides: something blue?) and godsaveme, STENCILS! I am flummoxed, vahklempt...colorize amongst yourselves. Let me give you a topic: snatch is to swatch as religion is to fucktardery. Discuss.

post postmortem post

I'd been peeling back the layers of accumulati adorning my desk when I rediscovered my "notes" from the recent funeral I attended. Approaching any ceremony or meeting without a writing implement and paper sends me into a wild-eyed panic. Swaths of exposed skin have been penned upon in emergencies. Praise Zeus funerals provide programs...

One of the peculiarities of religion is the need to speculate about god's motives. You know, god took the baby because she was too good for this world. Gramps died because The Lord decided to ended his suffering. (Presumably The Lord thought 10 years of exponential dementia and 3 years of grueling chemotherapy were just about right.) ANYWAY, at my aunt's funeral there were several references to the Virgin Mother taking her on Mother's Day. As if that was the best way to honor her. At her party. On the other side. I'm so perplexed by all this. I find myself daydreaming that the priest dies and arrives at deathland only to realize, "Shit. I was totally talking outta my ass."

Most religions are power-sucks–even if it is the comfort being sought–because they hammer home the concept that you can't do things without god's help. You can't overcome your weakness, you can't accomplish your goals, you can't face death, you can't get to heaven, etc. ad nauseum without following some prescribed behavior. Without faith. Without obedience. Without baptism and tithing. Which seems counterintuitive, if you buy this divine spiritual goal of attaining perfection. Shouldn't we be taught that we have incredible innate powers? Not reaching inward to tap into these fallow abilities should be a sin. On that note, epiphenita's latest set of commandments:

1. Thou shalt use thy common sense.
2. Thou shalt stop whining or I shall cast out all thy big white teeth.
3. Thou shalt stop pestering me (god) about high school sports.
4. Thou shalt figure it out. Make thine list and use thy holy gray matter.
5. Thou shalt think about tomorrow before using all thy silver pieces for new togas and sandals today.
6. Thou shalt use thy signal or suffer the wrath of my vengeful high priestess of traffic flow.

10-schmen. Get these six right and then maybe, you get the next four. Back to the service...

The sweet little incense-swinging priest was likable enough. He told the congregation that it was okay to mourn. He referenced Jesus' sorrow at the death of his good friend Lazarus as proof that grief was an approved response to death. I don't remember the details of this part of the bible story–but the priest should know, right? So I guess JC was pretty sad.

But not so sad that he resisted RAISING LAZARUS FROM THE DEAD. He responded to death by using his superpowers. Come on! That's cheating and absolutely no comfort to us resurrection-challenged mortals.

Okay. Those are all my notes. That I can share. Suffice it to say that as a religious service/tribute to my aunt, it didn't suck. These people knew her and her family. That's good. But as a religious service addressing the mysteries of death...pretty much what I expected. Lots of assurance about things of which nobody is sure. Nice stained glass, though.