When I was a kid the message that boys were tough and girls were delicate never sat right with me. Perhaps because I heard disparaging remarks about females (mostly from my father), I didn't want to be lumped in with that category. I rarely bucked these ideas outwardly but I was furious about them on the inside. And, of course, I was raised as a girl. While I was also comfortable with many of the girly things (and got reinforcement for them), I wanted a lot of the boy stuff, too. One or the other just wasn't enough. I'm old enough to remember when boys couldn't take "home ec" and girls weren't allowed to take "shop" in school. I would have loved shop. I'm old enough to remember when Legos were mostly for boys. I would have loved those, too.
When I legally married five years ago, I wore a red dress (natch) with a tuxedo tails jacket. I just don't feel "in my own skin" when I only dress femininely. Or only masculinely. At 62, I am just exploring what non-binary feels like. At the same time, I want to make it clear that my preference is not to be non-gendered. I want to be multi-gendered. I am still comfortable with she/her pronouns but I'm not comfortable being relegated to "femme" or "butch." Okay, I'm more comfortable with femme-appearing butch but I want the fluidity to shapeshift as often as I please.
Aside: remember gender identity is not the same thing as sexual attraction. You can present with any gender permutation or no gender at all and be a homosexual, heterosexual, bi- pan-sexual or asexual. Two different characteristics.
Here are some of the clear gender messages I got as a young girl:
- Boys are better at math and science.
- Be smart but don't threaten males with your intelligence.
- Good girls don't take up too much space.
- Good girls don't swear.
- Good girls eat, sit and act like a lady.
- Girls are never going to be as strong, smart or successful as men.
- Girls are never going to be as good leaders as men are.
- Girls should not let themselves get fat.
- Fat girls won't get dates.
- Fat girls won't get good jobs.
- Young women are responsible for the sexual response of their boyfriends.
- Young women are responsible for the moral behavior of the couple.
- Young women are not sexual. At least not as compare to males.
- Women should be teachers, nurses, mothers and secretaries.
- Women can be artists or musicians if their husbands can support them and allow it.
- Women don't deserve equal pay.
- Men are the head of the household.
- A male heir is always preferred.
- Eve was a byproduct of Adam.
- Eve was responsible for Adam's "sin."
- Females are "given away" in marriage ceremonies.
- Females take their husband's name. They belong to him.
- Females should participate in sports in moderation.
- Females shouldn't climb trees unless they have shorts on.
- Females who allow themselves to participate in (and godsforbid, enjoy) sexual activity will be scorned socially.
- The intact hymen was a sacred symbol.
- Girls play with dolls. Boys play with trucks.
- Girls make pretty things. Boys break pretty things.
- Girls are delicate. Boys are tough.
I know that my male counterparts got many similarly skewed messages about not crying, not failing, acting like a bully, not liking girl things, etc.
I might have considered being an engineer or a surgeon but that would have been an uphill fight. Not that I don't love how my life turned out but the limitations were clear and loud.
When it came time to raise my own children I was hellbent on bucking this nonsense. Society is a massive, self-propelled machine and difficult to resist but I did whatever I could. I encouraged my son to be gentle, made sure he got a doll when my daughter was getting one. I encouraged my daughter to be fearless and pursue her dreams. Important note: Bold femaleness is much easier for our modern society to deal with than gentle masculinity. Anti-gentle-masculinity is rooted in misogyny. Just like homophobia.
I hoped that my behavior was ultimately a more powerful message than any teachings. I hoped that they saw that I was a strong, able woman. That I was in partnership with a strong, able woman. I hoped that they knew I would always be in their corner and take on anyone who would try to harm them. They witnessed us standing up to bullies, fighting for our rights as queers and protesting racism and misogyny. They grew up thinking that women could fix anything because we did. They never knew what it was like to have a mother who didn't love powertools, who didn't curse like a fucking sailor or who wasn't afraid to speak up.
But even with all that, I felt disappointed at how hard it was to keep gender expectations from saturating their young lives. It was everywhere and constant. I wanted more freedom for them but didn't know how to counteract all the boy/girl shit society threw at them from every corner.
Along comes my youngest–now nonbinary–child carrying our first grandchild. She/They (accept all pronouns) want to launch this experiment in child rearing that essentially removes gender from the world's perception of the child, which often becomes the child's perception of themselves. The baby will be raised in a gender-free environment until they decide what their unique gender expression will look like. It will be daunting but every powerful change is daunting. It will be hard. Gendered speech is goddamn hard to avoid. We have been steeped in this dichotomy, this binary. But it will be possible.
Now we have our beloved grandchild. 18-months old this week. The unrivaled apple of our eye. We are smitten and completely in love with this little human. And they are they. They are dressed in neutral or gender-balanced clothing. They are not treated as a china doll or a miniature weight lifter. They are allowed to experience the world with as little gender conforming language and expectations as possible. Living in the Netherlands makes that easier but not easy. There are pockets of traditional everywhere. However, this small human being is going about their life with as much gender neutrality as their parents can create.
This makes me so fucking happy. SO happy. Yes, it weirds out the family. Yes, my 83-year old mother is struggling. Yes, I slip and use gendered pronouns sometimes–even after 18 months of serious practice. But what a better world! What an unprecedented opportunity for approaching the world with fewer gender limitations. I try to imagine all the increased options available to them and it blows my mind.
I remember people asking me what was I going to do about religious training for my children since I am an atheist. I remember my father asking me what was I going to do about raising a son with another woman...what about his masculine training? When people ask about my child raising their child in a non-binary way, I say the same thing to them as I used to say: every generation is an experiment, so we're going to take the gamble that if you raise children without god(s), if you raise a son without a male counterpart or if you raise a child without the trappings of gender and just teach them to be good, kind, curious, adventurous, strong, thinking, compassionate members of the human family then they're going to be fucking amazing. And they are all fucking amazing.
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